Past
Jokes Archive
Past
Jokes Archive
The Poet & The
Scientist
C.I.A. TRAINING
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged
children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine
cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher
brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever
imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the
taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey
flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something
your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're buttholes!"
Two elderly couples were out driving, when the driver asked his friend
how his memory loss problem was. "It's much better since I've been on
this medication." he replied. "What's the name of the drug you're
using?" the driver asked. The elderly man replied, "Hmmmm. Well, now
it, uh. Darn. It's like some kind of flower, uh, it's like one of
them flowers that has thorns on it, you know?"
"A rose?" asked the driver?
"YEAH!" replied the passenger, then he leaned over the back seat...
"Hey, Rose, what's the name of that prescription I'm taking?"
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead."Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage."Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?""That will be $330." the vet replied."I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?""Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
There were two people travelling
on a train, an American scientist and a Polish poet, who were riding in
the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't
much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own buisness,
looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist
was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could
try to figure them out. Looking down at the Polak's suitcase the scientist
saw what he thought to be a Polish name. Finally, the scientist was so
bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued
looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the
scientist, who irratibly asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play
a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5.
Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he deciced against it, seeing
that the scientist was obviously a very bright man, and most likely an
American. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist,
who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask
you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Them you ask
ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now,
the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid.
He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what
is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously
not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The
scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now
it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then
asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes
down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's
face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and
making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took
out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour
of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the
whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet
a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!
What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put
a $5 bill into his hand.
These three men are going
through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get
through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside
by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way
mirror in it looking into another room. They bring the first guy's wife
into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds
into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife
of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room
but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The
instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out." They then
bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor
then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says
"Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon,
goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I
can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get
out." Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave
her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it
to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years."
The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence
for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge
commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely,
and says, "Good job, idiot! You gave me blanks - I had to choke her
to death!"
Going
to the gym
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a gorilla with a sign
"If I catch you, you're mine."
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man who was already in the butcher shop finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put a paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning,
I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether
I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You
think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed,
and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's
always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look
on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
Once there was a farmer who couldn't distinguish between his 2 horses.
Since he didn't know what to do he asked his neighbor for an advice.
- Why don't you trim the tail of one of the horses, adviced the neighbor.
- You are a very clever man, said the farmer.
For a couple of months it was all right, but then the tail grew back to
its normal size.
You'd better trim the mane of one of the horses, adviced the neighbor.
For another couple of months it was ok, but then the mane grew back.
- I think the best thing to do is to look for something characteristic
that doesn't vary with the time, like the height of the horses, said
the neighbor.
- You are a very wise man, I'll measure it and tell you about it.
After a few hours the farmer returned to his neighbor:
- You were perfectly right, I've measured their height and indeed the
white horse is 3 inch taller
than the black one.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelined for a butcher 's shop and stole a roast. The butcher went to the lawyer's office and asked, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answered, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, wrote the butcher a check for $8.50.
A few days later, the butcher opened the mail and found an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out "Hey, why did you do that?" The driver says, "Don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time." They came to another red light, and the same thing happens. The passenger is visably upset and threatens to get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt. The passenger is confused and asks, "What the hell is wrong with you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one." The driver responds:"My brother might be coming from the other way!"
Two men, sentences to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer has been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you son? What is your final request?" "Please," pleaded the condemned man, "Kill me first
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles and hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures"what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man though for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to give her back to me!"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.
At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
I will place the next one here.
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