Past
Jokes Archive # 2
Past
Jokes Archive # 2
Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these responses:
10. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese.
9. OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight.
8. I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough, cough)
7. When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK?
6. I'm too stinking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)
5. Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15 years!
4. (Japanese accent) Sorry, I'm not very interesting.
3. Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head.
2. Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement?
1. No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father "What is this Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
Christmas starts to irk you.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants.
Naps are good.
You no longer do the "pee pee" dance.
You once have deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
There was this little boy who wanted a bicycle more than anything in the world. He had always heard in church that if you pray to God he would answer your prayers. So for two weeks straight the little boy got down beside his bed and prayed to God to please give him a bicycle. He never got an answer so he thought, "Maybe I should ask for the money and go and buy it myself cause God probably does not have bicycles in heaven. So the little boy sat down at wrote God a letter. It read:
Dear God,
I have prayed for 2 weeks for a new bicycle. I forgot you do not have bicycles in Heaven, so if you would just send me $100, I'll go buy it myself. Thank you very much.
He addressed the letter to GOD, USA. When the Postmaster got it, he thought it was so cute that he forwarded it to the White House to Bill Clinton. Pres. Clinton read it and also thought it was cute so he gave it to his secretary and asked her to send the little boy $5.
The little boy went to the mailbox everyday looking for a response. He finally got it and opened it up. He was so excited that God had sent him the $5 that he said he must sit down and write God a thank you letter. It read:
Dear God,
Thank you so much for the $5 you sent me. I am so grateful to you! But did you have to send it through Washington first? You knew them son of a guns up there would keep my other $95!
A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"Grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that".
A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "How much do you weigh"? The grandmother replied, "You shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother, he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her, "You weigh 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He CAN talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
The
Statue
Person To Smile Since
1/11/97A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly-- make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. First, what days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, working out, and a dozen other reasons. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there surfing the internet
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there, the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the farmer is up to." So he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's happy now. The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it. I'm going to get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing -5 degrees and no humidity. "Let's see what the farmer has to say about this." The Devil looks around, and finally finds the farmer...jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "THE CUBS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
One day, a married couple bore twin sons. They couldn't afford to keep them, however, so they put them up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal.
Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, the original mother said, "I'm so glad that he's happy. And what a wonderful picture. I wish we had a picture of Amal. I wonder what he looks like."
And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A rabbit walks into a grocery store on Wednesday and asks if they have any carrots for sale. The grocer tells him no, they will get some in on Monday. The rabbit thanks him and walks out. On Thursday, the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer if he has any carrots. The grocer says "I told you yesterday, and I'll tell you today: We don't get any carrots in until MONDAY!" The rabbit thanks him and leaves. On Friday the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer if he has any carrots. The grocer screams at him: "LOOK! I told you yesterday, I told you the day before yesterday, and I'll tell you today, WE DON'T GET ANY CARROTS IN UNTIL MONDAY!! If you come in here again asking for carrots BEFORE Monday, I'll nail you ears to my counter!" The rabbit thanks him and leaves. On Saturday, the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer: "Do you have any nails?" The grocer says no. The rabbit says: "Good! Do you have any carrots?"
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.
Why lookie there... what a pleasant surprise... It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
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