Past
Jokes Archive # 3
Past
Jokes Archive # 3
CHILDREN
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.
Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off, it's 2 a.m., you idiot!"
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"
A man, while driving home one evening from a dinner with his wife, is involved in a terrible car accident. The man dies on the scene.
The man, after a short journey through a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end, finds himself at the gates of heaven. St. Peter is awaiting his arrival at the gates, and hails him towards the entrance to heaven.
"Sir, you have proved yourself to be a kind and generous soul. You are worthy to pass through these gates. I ask only one thing of you: spell this one simple word, which embodies all of which you must embrace, and you may enter. That word is 'love'."
"Love???" the man quips, "Love? That's easy. L-O-V-E"
And St. Peter opens the pearly gates, letting the man step inside.
Just as the man steps into the realm of heaven, St. Peter's beeper goes off. It seems that his attention is needed by the Holiest on High, and he must attend a meeting.
"Excuse me, newcomer," says St. Peter, "could you please watch the gates whilst I meet with God? All I ask of you is that you let no one in unless they spell the word correctly. This will take but a few minutes."
"OK," the man replies. And St. Peter vanishes into thin air, leaving the man with a bright, silver key to the gates.
A few moments later, the man's wife appears in front of the gates. "Hello dear" she says.
"What are you doing here?" the man asks.
"Well, they rushed me to the hospital, and for awhile it seemed as though I might pull through, but I wasn't so lucky. Died of internal hemorraging."
The man, following the instructions of St. Peter, tells her, "My beloved, in order for you to pass through the gates of heaven, you only need to spell one simple word ... 'Czechoslovakia'."
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"
A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's chocolate cake."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming" his eldest son tells him. Grandmother is baking a chocolate cake now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious chocolate cake after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, the boy returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious chocolate cake?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral
Reindeer For Sale: 9 white reindeer. Reindeer are all male and range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatologic condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix. Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?" He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex."
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?" She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
A man enters in a doctor's room and says "I've been told you have discovered a machine that can lower one's IQ. I am very interested in it, since I have no success with women. They all think I am too boring when I try to have a conversation with them. My actual IQ is around 250, and I'd like to have it down to 120."
"Well," says the doctor, "if you really want that, there's no problem. Just sit in this chair and put this bowl on your head."
The doctor then pushes a button. The IQ starts to drop 250, 230, 200, 150, 120. At this moment, the doctor tried to push the stop button, but it was stuck!
Down goes the IQ 99, 90, 80, 70. He tries again and again, but it remains stuck.
The IQ drops 40, 30, 20, 10, 7, 5, 2.
He finally succeeds. The man removes the bowl, stands up, looks at the doctor, walks around the machine and finally asks the doctor "All Right, Sir. Do you have your license and registration for this vehicle ?"
An attorney trying to get tickets to the Superbowl finally agreed to pay an exhorbitant price for two prime seats. When the exciting afternoon arrived the two men in front of the attorney noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that he had purchased the ticket for his wife, who at the last minute, couldn't make it. They commented, "Surely, you have a good friend or relative who would have loved to join you!" The attorney replied, "Oh, sure!! But, they're all at her funeral."
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when............. the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Allright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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